Sunday, March 7, 2010
The perpetrator of this heinous weenie-assault was a six-foot tall, crown-wearing lion named Sluggerrr, a violent psychopath masquerading as the Royals mascot. Just after the seventh inning stretch, Sluggerrrr shouldered his high-powered Heckler and Koch Hot Dog Bazooka and launched round after round into the mezzanine. Children screamed and spectators fled, as bun-shrapnel and condiments rained down upon them. Discarding his empty weapon, Sluggerrr then armed himself with a sack of foil-wrapped franks and began hurling them at the fans like grenades. He strutted atop the Royals dugout, seeking out victims, and that's when the fickle foam finger of fate pointed in John Coomer's direction. Sluggerrr went into his windup and arrogantly flung the weiner behind his back. The razzle-dazzle caught Coomer off-guard and, unable to defend himself, he took the foot-long Farmer John jumbo frank right in the eye.
"Mr. Coomer's retina was detached and, as a result, cataracts have formed," says his attorney. "His vision may never be fully restored. You ever get relish in your eye? Stings. Also, he has vowed never to eat another hot dog as long as he lives. Nothing takes the joy out of the hot dog-eating experience like having one crash into your eye socket."
The most damning testimony of all has come from Royals season-ticket holder Ray Broome. "I've been coming to Royals games for years, and this is the most disturbing thing I've seen since the George Brett Hemorrhoid Incident of 1980," said Broome. "Sluggerrr is a friggin' menace who's been assaulting fans for years. First it was his T-Shirt Slingshot, now the Hot Dog Bazooka. There's no doubt in my mind that Sluggerrr drilled that guy on purpose, I saw it with my own eyes. He just whipped the weenie behind his back, and it nailed Mr. Coomer in the face. Ketchup splattered everywhere, it was gruesome. They need to put Sluggerrr away, it's just a matter of time before he kills someone."
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have speculated that Sluggerrr may not have been acting alone. A witness who was sitting in the left field bleachers that night hinted at the existence of a second bunman who was firing hot dogs from the visitors' bullpen. Known only as "the man in the Reds jacket," this witness claims to have seen a puff of mustard from behind the outfield wall right before Coomer was hit by the hot dog.
Sluggerrr's statements to police have only confused the matter. "Yeah, I was throwing hot dogs into the crowd, that's my job. I mean, who doesn't want a free hot dog, right? I just fling 'em into the crowd, I don't see where they all end up. Maybe I threw the dog that hit him, maybe I didn't. It was a crazy night, man, weiners were flying all over the place."
Kansas City manager Trey Hillman supported the mascot's statement, saying "Look, if Sluggerrr actually nailed that guy, it must've been an accident. I've been with the Royals for some time now, and if I've learned anything it's that no one in our organization is capable of throwing strikes. Hell, if Sluggerrr could intentionally hit something, he wouldn't be the mascot. I'd put him in the starting lineup."
The criminal investigation continues, however, Coomer's attorney told the media that the civil case his client filed against the Kansas City Royals organization has been resolved to the satisfaction of both parties. Terms of the settlement are undisclosed but neighbors report a shiny new vehicle in the Coomer driveway.