Saturday, May 8, 2010
Theresa, who is mom, has taken care of me since I was a puppy. She is nice. She gives me food, lets me sleep under warm covers, and most of all does not talk scary to me or poke me with a metal stick if I happen to make minor mistake, like some big bald human I could mention. Mom, who is Theresa, showed me how to hack into this website so I, who is Newton, can respond to a very mean letter. My typing is slow because I have to use a pencil which I am chewing in my mouth and will probably get yelled at for later.
The bald human at my house, who is Chris, wrote to me telling me all the reasons he thinks that I, who is Newton, am a bad dog. Let me first say that dogs, who are cute and friendly, have feelings that are hurt by words like "Flea-face" and "mutt" and "pathetic." We much prefer humans to say things like "good dog" and "come here, boy" and "here is another yummy Tater Tot for you, Newton." When Theresa, who is mom, read me all the mean words the bald human wrote, I went to my soft bed and curled up with Fuzzy Duck until I felt better. Well, first I went into the bald human's closet which he carelessly left open and I made peepee on his shoes again, but then the soft bed and Fuzzy Duck and the feeling better.
In my house there is another dog, who is Munson and hogs all the toys (except Fuzzy Duck who I hide in secret spot). Munson is the bald human's favorite dog, and gets more than his fair share of the Tater Tots, bacon, and Cheez-Its. I only get a treat if one falls to the floor by mistake and I out-quick Munson to it. I usually do, because Munson has wide butt and is sort of slow. Otherwise, the bald human ignores me even when I shake pitifully and look cute, which is always. Munson is favorite because he does whatever the bald human says. Get off the bed, Munson. Go outside, Munson. Come here, Munson. Human says, Munson does.
Munson is puppy-whipped.
So anyway, bald human is mad because I, who is Newton, sleep on his pillow, sometimes accidentally-on-purpose make peepee on his stuff, and go exploring the neighborhood because the yard is easy to escape.
First one is obvious, I sleep on pillow because it is next to Theresa while she sleeps and I have to protect her from bad things. Also, pillow is warm and snuggly. If someone would get Newton, who is me, a big fluffy pillow and put it by the human bed on the floor, problem will be solved.
Next, the peepee. Making peepee on stuff is how dogs say, "That is mine." That is why I make little bit of peepee on my soft bed, trees outside, and Fuzzy Duck who did not seem to mind. The bald human's shoes are not mine, but I make peepee on them anyway because it is funny when he turns red and chases me into his room, where I hide under his bed. Dogs do not laugh, but on the inside it makes me crack up. Except when he uses the metal stick to poke me in the side, which hurts. So now I, who is Newton, have to wear a stupid-looking pair of shorts when I'm in the house, which is embarrassing. But sooner or later I will figure out how to take off the shorts (maybe I can bribe Munson with a Tater Tot and he will help me). And then I will find the fancy shoes and have a peepee party.
Also, sometimes I get bored of my back yard, which has stickers that hurt when they get in my paws. The side gate is easy to get through (for me, but not for Munson, who has wide butt like I said before) so of course I escaped to go find stuff. I wasn't running away, I just got lost when the mean and ugly cat chased me. I was happy when the gray-haired man next door, who throws me treats over the wall when Theresa and bald human are at work, found me and took me home those three times. But now there is some kind of wire on gate so I can't get out anymore.
So now you know the truth. I, who is Newton, am a good dog who is unfairly treated by bald human who skimps on the treats and talks scary to me. But I will tell you this. If some night a bad person sneaks into my house and tries to hurt the bald human, I will jump up and rip the bad person's face right off.
That is because even though the bald human is not perfect, he is one of my people family so Newton, who is me, loves him. Even more than Tater Tots, which is a lot.