|Pee on his leg, kid. He deserves it.|
It doesn't happen often. I like to think that I'm a pretty easy-going, happy-go-lucky kinda guy. Even when things go wrong, I can usually roll with it. Nineteen days out of twenty, I take on the day in the best of spirits, bright and chipper, ready to meet whatever challenges lie ahead with a positive attitude.
Today, however, is that twentieth day.
So instead of writing something relevant like, oh, going into the actual reason that today sucks, and perhaps using that process to come to a solution that might ease my spirits, well, screw it. I'm just going to bitch about random crap that pisses me off.
We'll kick this off with people who use the phrase "usually always" as in, "I don't know, Dave, my brother is usually always on time." Let me explain something here Mr. Hemingway, the words "usually" and "always" have two completely different meanings and one cannot modify the other. Maybe I'm not exactly William Strunk Jr. myself, but come on, either your brother is "usually" on time or he is "always" on time. He can't be both. "Sometimes my sister is never happy." "Most of the time he always never pays back his loans." See the confusion?
And while we're on the subject of language, I could enthusiastically disembowel those mindless twits who use the word "literally" when they mean the opposite. "I ate so much last night that I literally exploded." Is that right? You literally EXPLODED? Wow, I bet the rest of the folks at the Hometown Buffet were aghast, what, with being caught in the resulting barrage of bodily shrapnel and all. No, you FIGURATIVELY exploded. It's a metaphor, and you're a dumbass. Literally.
Same goes for anyone who says they "could care less." Again, that's the opposite of what they mean. I'm going to go slow on this one, so bear with me. Okay, suppose someone tells you that Pete from down the block thinks you're an asshole. Since Pete himself is a royal douchebag, his opinion doesn't mean anything. Coming from Pete, "Hey, you're an asshole" might even be considered a compliment. So if you don't care at all, you care nothing, zero, nada, zilch, then you COULDN'T care less. You could not care less than nothing, zero, etc., etc. If you "COULD care less," That would mean you would have to care, to at least some degree, that Pete thinks you're an asshole which we've already determined that you don't.
Moving on, what about those mental midgets on Wheel of Fortune who continue to buy vowels after they've already figured out the answer to the puzzle. Um, dipshit, you don't have to fill in every single letter, and by the way those vowels cost money. But by all means, go ahead and dump another 250 bucks down the crapper for that superfluous A, E, I, O, or U.
ROMEO AND JUL_ET"
Uh, Pat, I'd like to buy an I please."
Smack the shit out of him, Pat, I beg you.
The other day I was reminded of just how clueless some parents are. I've seen this before, but I was at a nearby theme park and a mom had her four year-old on a leash. Yeah, I know, they call it a "safety harness" but they're not fooling anyone. It's a leash! Hello, Mrs. Cleaver? If your kid doesn't know enough to stay close to you, and for some reason holding her hand is out of the question, maybe you shouldn't take her to crowded parks to begin with. If my parents did that to me when I was a kid, I'd have pissed on a tree, dry-humped the neighbor's leg and bitten the mailman. You want a dog, Mommy, you got one! Of course, when daughter-on-a-leash grows into a teenager and Mom catches her tied to the bedposts by her sado-masochistic boyfriend Snake, Mom will go on endlessly about how "society" damages our nation's youth.
|Excuse me, sir, but I can't see the sign. 'Cause I'm BLIND!|
Damn, this is better than therapy and much more cost-effective. I'm feeling more upbeat already. Thanks for letting me vent, I appreciate your support. I don't know what came over me today.
I'm usually always in a better frame of mind.
But you could probably care less.